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L’Amour Fou, always there

it was 6 months since a word had been spoken. 5 years of mountain top highs and hellish lows. When we were good I knew nothing like it before in my life. When we were bad… I had never felt pain like that before. I was smitten with her with in weeks, perhaps days of meeting her. And I saw in her eyes she felt the same. For years mutual friends had been encouraging us to meet, while making off hand comments of the possible craziness which could ensue.

We sat a kitchen table in Brooklyn for 3 hours, staring at each other and having one of the most natural and effortless conversations I had ever known. It felt right, for lack of a better word. but things were complicated at the time and it was to be 2 more years before my lips met hers. We talked over those two years, she told me everything and I returned in kind. I listened to her every word, and she mine. Those conversations when she was out of state opened the door to my love for her. I wanted to come to her rescuer, hurt her perpetrator, and carry her back to her home. to me.

Our affair began quickly and complicatedly. the details are irrelevant now.  But our feelings were undeniable, unflinching, and unyielding. So began a 5 year love affair. where the current developments will take us I truly don’t know. I have betrayed our trust many times, she has broken my heart multiple times. but if those transgressions could be put in the past… I’m excited for what the future may bring. Love is a son of a bitch.

 

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Life and Times

I was born James J Hayes Jr in Manhattan, NY. I came silently into this world at 6:35 am in Cornell medical center on 68th and York. I say silently because the ambilical cord was wrapped snugly around my neck, and the blue color of my skin signaled something was wrong. Birth and death happening simultaneously, though I came through relatively unscathed. A month in the hospital to start my life. I attribute my intense trouble of forming meaningful emotional bonds to this first month of solitude, and the many more which were to follow. Don’t misunderstand me, I relish my time alone. Someone once said ” I can be alone without being lonely”. That describes me quite well.
I pay my bills through a meaningless job which isn’t even worth mentioning. But my true passion lies in the written word. The problem is, you see, no one else seems interested or intrigued by my words. Six publishing houses and nothing but “this isn’t what were looking for right now… sorry” Yeah right, sorry. Sorry my ass, though you will be soon enough. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. A little foreshadowing perhaps…
The insomnia started when Carol left for the last time about 4 years ago. At first it was a nuisance, causing me to be tired at work or over sleep if I ever finally got some. I tried it all; sound machines, eye masks, ear plugs, not to mention a cornucopia of pills. All of which were prescribed to me by a doctor who I’m assuming got his medical degree at the University of Fuck-all, or some other equivalent non-confidence inspiring institution. I must describe insomnia to you. It is like a chill slowly creeping up your spine then settling in your brain, happy as can be.

This is the beginning of a short story, more to come…

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The Road Less Travelled for a Reason

It has been asked before; is it harder to be a father or a son…? but this conundrum doesn’t just stop there. Is it harder to be a son or daughter? How about a wife or husband…
If you are one of the lucky ones though, you may skate through life never knowing the answer

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Forged in Fire

I walk in, looking for a glass of wine and nothing more. She obliges. Suddenly, the words that usually flow effortlessly leave me. I try to be witty and charming but fear I am failing miserably. So be it. Out of my class, I suppose. But I leave my number anyway. Hoping to hear something from the object of my affection. And low and behold, I do. What follows in a blur of late nights and fantastic times. Now, to my surprise, I have a woman I love. Life is funny that way; when you’re not looking, you are found.

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You just wish the trip was through

“I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real… Try to kill it all away, but i remember everything. What have i become my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end. and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, i will let you down, i will make you hurt.” Some times someone elses words say it best. “What have i become, my sweetest friend”

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The First Page

The following is a collection of excerpts from a journal I have kept since 2004. I will also add some short stories, and a few stanzas of rants and raves. But, the majority of what follows is straight from my pen to your eyes. I make no promises. I have no idea if anyone will even read this, but… hey, fuck it, right? Some of what I write about deals with drug use, so for all you addicts out there, battling the Beast, I can only hope my words may offer the slightest bit of relief. I’ll be honest, I’m hesitant to share personal works, never intended to be published, but life is momentary and I am tired of waiting for the right one. So here you go, the insane ramblings of James J Hayes JR. Again, I make no promises, this is my mind poured out on paper and that could be quite a disturbing thing.